It's strange and unfortunate that life can be clipping along at a normal, leisurely pace until all of a sudden a giant ghost from the closet of one's past comes flying into the present via the internet. Suddenly I find myself in an emotional black hole: having trouble breathing, close to either tears or screaming and ripping my hair out. Angry? Sad? Confused? What happened to my life?! How did it end up this way? I feel like I'm in an alternate universe and the life that should be mine is happening to someone else and I can't stop it. Even though I KNOW that is not the life I want, that should be my life she's living. That should be my husband. If only he would have been a better liar...

It has been two years. I finally made it to the point where I could go for weeks without thinking about him and our disaster of a relationship. Then Facebook ruined it all. Curse you, Facebook! I know I once blessed you for rekindling a high school friendship, but now I curse you for tormenting me with my high school sweetheart. This is why I don't want to go to reunions. Avoid the good and the bad.

Why can't I let go of this emotional baggage? Why can't I move on? Why can't I erase that entire saga and release my heart? Why was it so, so damaging to me? Because I gave my heart and my life to another person and now I can't get it all back from him. It's like he still has part of me that I desperately need, and I can't get it back. I feel like we are still attached somehow. I see pictures of him and my heart wrenches into my neck as I remember the beautiful and the awful times simultaneously.

The bottom line is that, even though all this time has past and I thought I had moved on, a part of me stayed in past, wishing for that alternate universe. I must move completely into the present and live fully in this life, with all the opportunities and hardships that may come in it. I must remember what I've told myself all along: that life is not for me. This life is what I want. I wouldn't be happy in that life. It wouldn't have satisfied me. We weren't perfect together after all. He's probably happier. I'm probably happier.

Feeling it from dark to bright
When a wrong becomes a right
When a mountain fills with light
It’s a volcano, it’s a volcano
It’s a volcano, it’s a volcano
So much present inside my present
So much past inside my present

Thanks, Feist.
written by Ruthie @ 11:35 PM  
2 thoughts:
  • At 6/14/2007 11:48 PM, Blogger beckyyyy said…

    keep trying... let it go. its good that you are here and not there. better or worse is irrelevant.. but its good you are having an adventure in japan, and if u had been with him, u would probably never have had that chance of discovery!:)

  • At 6/16/2007 2:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    You are so young. You're only starting. You'll have so many chances to find your One.

    As for the old flame: if he wasn't honest with you, you don't want him. If he was honest, and it just didn't work, then it would have been miserable if he had tried to fake it. And don't make the mistake of thinking other people are doing as well as they seem to be.

    Relax and live your life, meet all the friends you can, follow your interests, and you will become even more fascinating, confident and alluring....and you're already a pretty darn nice package.

    Be Ruthie to the fullest, and you'll find the right ones drawn to you.

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Name: Ruthie
Home: Japan
About Me: I want to know who God is and what his truth is. I love getting lost in beautiful music and cloudless star-filled skies, especially in the fall. I hate being bored. I like big cities. I want to travel the world.
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