Bad Dream
I'm starting to think that bad dreams really do portend an unhappy future.

For the last few nights I have had very strange, vivid dreams. They have all involved many people from school in school settings. Last night was no exception. It started with baccalaureate, but it wasn't in our chapel; it was in another sanctuary. Some people carried long poles up to Dr. Murphy. I saw one on the ground so I picked it up and gave it to him. He yelled at me because that pole was supposed to stay there and I had messed everything up. Fast forward to the second part of the dream. I was outside in what looked like the fall (colder, many dead leaves) with many classmates. It looked like an end-of-the-year picnic, except for the fact that it was the fall. I felt all alone. I couldn't find any friends that I could sit with. I was crying. And there were hamburgers. Lots of mushy, gross ones.

It was a sad dream, the kind you wake up from with salty trails of dried tears on your cheeks. But I woke up, determined to shake off the dream.

Well, fate had something else in mind for me. We have car issues. I have sibling issues. Thus I am crying and alone. I thought we were adults by now; we're not supposed to fight like this. I thought that this summer would work without me having a car. Wrong on both fronts.

I was offered a job in Japan. But do I want to take it? I was so sure a month ago that if it was offered to me, I would take it. But now I don't know. Thus I am crying and alone. I can't wake up from this bad dream.


written by Ruthie @ 10:35 AM   0 comments
Mom's Dream
"I think somewhere in my dream I remember old people stealing cookies."
--Mom, about a dream last night.


written by Ruthie @ 2:43 PM   1 comments
Boomerang Kid
My parents hlaf-jokingly refer to me as one of their three Boomerang kids because I went off to college and, instead of moving away and finding my own life, I came back to live off of them rent-free. It's only slightly depressing. I'm trying to find a job, however-- you know, actually try to support myself. But I can't really find a job until I know that I will actually be going to Japan in August. I still haven't heard yet if I got the job. Who wants to hire someone with a college degree for three months? Maybe HyVee will take me back. I'll always have a place at the HyVee.

In Sunday school this past week, the teacher said that my identity as a human being is wrapped up in Jesus' identity as my redeemer. If I have forgotten who Jesus is, does this mean I have forgotten who I am? Is my identity truly tied in with Christ? Where do I stop and where does He begin?
written by Ruthie @ 4:47 PM   1 comments
Kelli and Kate
A younger sister and her friend--
Kelli and Kate--
come to visit the older sister,
So excited,
sixteen and driving
so far from home
without parents
to visit her sister at college
for the first time.
She thinks,
what will it be like
when I go to college?
Will people drive to
visit me at school?

Kelli and Kate
almost make it to see
Kelli dies on impact.
Kate has awhile to think
about the afterlife
and her pain
and Kelli
before she passes.
The woman who hit them
must be thinking a lot, too.
Was it my fault?
They swerved into my lane,
but is it my fault?

I hear the helicopters and
the police cars from
The computer lab.
I wonder what happened
in this sleepy town to
cause such a ruckus.

The family comes to town
to mourn with the older daughter
They eat at Pizza Hut.
Their eyes are bleary,
they pray together at the table
before eating hour-old buffet pizza.
What did the waiters think?
They know about the accident.
“They were so young.”
How did they respond?

Kelli’s funeral is on my birthday.
I didn’t know her,
nor do I know her sister.
I am thinking a lot, too.


written by Ruthie @ 9:16 PM   0 comments
I just went outside to dump some garbage in the dumpster behind Fern. This patch of land consists of a web of concrete walkways mixed with bright green grass and trees with white, fragrant blooms. The sun falls through the trees and onto the grass or the pavement. The wind knocks free some white petals and they fall gracefully through the air onto my shoulders and the ground. I love to linger awhile, enjoying the sunshine and the breeze and the heavy, almost overpowering scent of the trees in full bloom.

I always look for rabbits when I’m back there. I think they like the space between Fern and the RSC because it isn’t so highly traveled. Usually when I see a rabbit I try to come as close to it as possible before it hops away. This time I tried to come just short of that point so I could watch what the rabbit would do.

This rabbit had mottled brown and white fur (would one call it a calico?), tall, stately ears, and huge black eyes. He sat sniffing at the ground, then licking his face, wiping it with his front paws. I walked toward him. He noticed my movement and stopped moving. He sniffed the air as I walked closer. I forgot that I should have been downwind of him to keep my scent away for longer. I edged closer to him as his nose frantically danced around, his tongue occasionally flitting out to help figure out what animal I was. I stopped. He continued to sniff, stone still. He kept his eye on me, and I looked straight into it. It was so large, perfectly round, and perfectly black. I could see no definite pupil, no colored iris—only uninterrupted deep, shiny black. I wondered what he was thinking. Was he afraid? Did he feel challenged by my presence?

I shifted my weight. The rabbit took off, bringing his long legs out behind his body as he hopped away. I was surprised at how slowly he hopped—casually, carelessly, like he was daring me to run after him. He stopped just across the sidewalk next to the wall of the Bultman Center. I watched him for awhile. He continued to clean his face and neck with his front paws. I inched toward him, this time careful to move only when he didn’t seem to be looking. After I felt I got as close as I could I sat down on the pavement. The rabbit stayed, alternately sniffing the air and licking his paws. He had his back to me, but I could still see his eyes. Finally I realized what was happening: he was watching me. This was a game to him. He wasn’t afraid of me; he was waiting to see what I would do next, at the same time challenging me to catch him off-guard. He never gave me the chance. I scooted closer to him, but I moved my feet too quickly and he carelessly hopped further away. I decided to call defeat, and I walked back into the dorm, my eyes struggling to adjust to the dimness of the indoors.
written by Ruthie @ 5:34 PM   0 comments
Who is the man walking in the way? An eye glaring in the skull. ~SECCHO
written by Ruthie @ 2:21 PM   0 comments

Name: Ruthie
Home: Japan
About Me: I want to know who God is and what his truth is. I love getting lost in beautiful music and cloudless star-filled skies, especially in the fall. I hate being bored. I like big cities. I want to travel the world.
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